Quick critique: The pen hatching is gorgeous. I weep with jealousy. There's plenty of contrast between the figures and background, and the background itself is lovely, I like the breath effect. There's definitely a sincere expression of some emotion I'm not going to dig around for the words to describe on that upper figure. The expression on the lower figure is stiff and not in perspective. Also, her breasts, shoulder, and torso in general are just not right. The way the cloth lies also feels off. Why is she bald? It's beautiful, but the way the man floats above the woman feels a little dirty/silly. Maybe if you'd arranged them so that she was propped up on pillows as he leaned over her diagonally, or drew it so that he was lying on or holding himself up above her rather than levitating horizontally it'd work better.
Hmm, I see where you're coming from in terms of the composition and its effect on the piece... The woman I think suffered from the crop. I wanted a very specific shape of negative space between them, but then it made an odd shape out of her and I was never quite able to compensate in terms of her anatomy. So there's that. Tell me about the perspective of the expression - in what way is it off? (I swear, I'm going to watch those Vilppu things, but till then...YOU WILL BE MY PATRON GODDESS OF ANATOMY.) (That sounded really weird. Well, the world at large will have to deal.)
As for the baldness, I confess to a fetish. And wanting a weird sort of symmetry.
It's hard to explain without drawing. The nose isn't centered or perpendicular to the face, the nostrils are at a different angle, the eyes look flat and tilted oddly. The top cheekbone is suspect. Etc.
I'm with you on the baldness fetish, certain characters look so much more interesting without hair.